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A few years back, I made a very conscious decision to look for a husband. As part of my journey, I interviewed couples that I perceived to be happily married. The “happily married” part was based purely on my opinion. No scientific data was accumulated to rate them on a happiness scale. But, I noticed how they treated each other and whether or not each individual seemed to continue to develop after saying “I do,” and they had to be married for at least 10 years. (I also interviewed couples that did not seem happily married, but that’s for another post.)
I focused my questions on what the clues were before they were engaged that let them know this may be a good match. After interviewing nearly three dozen “happily married” couples, a pattern began to emerge that could easily be broken down into three key ingredients in knowing this may be a good spouse for you. It is those ingredients I am going to share with you today.
First and foremost, you must be attracted to this person. Everyone agreed on that one. If you are going to swear to only have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you better be attracted to them. Now, with some of the couples the attraction was immediate; the “Oh yeah, baby, what I’d like to do to you” response. For others, the attraction grew over time. Maybe the wife barely noticed her husband for the first few months of knowing him, but once some more personal conversation was going on, she began to see an adorable aspect to the man.
 The second ingredient is so obvious, we often discount it: the two of you must have fun together. I’m not saying every second needs to be an amusement park, but notice your general mood and feelings when you’re with a potential mate. We all know someone (and have been this person) who is in a relationship where it seems every moment together is struggle, torment, drama. When we ask, “Why do you stay with him?” we get the ever faithful answer, “Because I love him.” While love is nice, if you are thinking about spending day and night with someone for many years to come, fun is much more enjoyable.
The third ingredient is having a feeling that you both are moving in the same direction. So, if you are attracted to a guy and have fun with him, but he plans to travel around Africa doing medical research for the next 15 years and you are hoping to pursue a career in corporate America and start a family, this may not be a good long term commitment. This can be a tricky one to decipher. Notice at what phase in life each of you are. Ask questions about long term goals and dreams. If they seem in line with what you are hoping for in your life, that’s great. If they would take you far off course, this relationship may be not the best in the long run.
In all my interviews, I was amazed that the word love almost never came up. Not that love isn’t important, but we have the ability to love all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. Love takes many forms; it grows and fades like the tides of the ocean. It’s important to have some other foundation for your relationship in times when the love meter dips below the cherish line. These ingredients can give you something to step back and look at when trying to figure out if this is indeed “the one.” So, get out there with a bit more focus. You now have clear criteria as far as the key ingredients to a potential mate.
Jessica Sabatini
www.the360woman.com
 It seems so long ago that it was acceptable to discount a woman’s worth in business just for the fact that she was a woman. Although there was a time when comments like, “She doesn’t know how to write a report, she’s just a woman,” and “What does a woman know about finances?” were common place, recent advancements in human behavior has pulled an entire generation away from such language. Or, has it pulled us too far in the other direction.
Recently I was at a master mind meeting with a bunch of coaches, and was appalled by some pretty harsh reverse sexism. This group is coed, with one fairly strong female who makes an effort to educate all men about unsexing their language. Like using the term salesperson instead of salesman, or saying ladies and gents in place of “Hey guys!” She seems so PC, I was taken off guard when sexist statements started coming from her mouth.
The most significant was when one man was sharing about a video he had written that was performed by a woman. He said, “I really tried to think like a woman.” Then our PC mascot replies with, “You mean you tried to think?”  Now if we were all hanging out having a drink, that comment would have been pretty funny. I would have laughed. But this was a business setting, and it was coming from the mouth of our proclaimed anti-sexism activist.
I’m not a man, (obviously) but I was truly offended by this statement. Hey Ladies, you gotta give what you want to receive! It’s not fair to demand a certain level of behavior from others and then use that lower level behavior to chide them. Not every man you meet is to blame for the oppression of women, the glass ceiling, genital mutilation, or date rape. In fact, most men these days, especially in business, seem quite welcoming of the female presence.
Remember, if you want men to like you, you must like them. So, give a brother a break! Pick one guy in your life (or one you just happen to come by) and tell him something you admire or appreciate about him today! Who knows, it might feel so good; you might start forgiving you dad for not teaching you how to play football. Or, this unexpecting man might tell you something he admires or appreciates about you in return. Either way, positive man talk will only bring good things.
Jessica Sabatini
www.The360Woman.com
 Me and My Man The short answer: At work.
The whole story: In 2003, my heart was torn into a million pieces. I had fallen in love with what I thought was “The One”, only to discover that this guy had no problem hurting me and moving on without looking back. In the midst of this dark despair, I made a very conscious decision to find a life mate. I was tired of being alone, so I began my journey of looking for a husband.
Funnily enough, I happened to meet my husband they day after I made this decision, but was not yet ready to see the possibility of being in a relationship with him. (Although my first thought about him was quite dirty, if you know what I mean) I was too broken and too pissed at the entire male gender to get involved with anyone.
Over the next 10 months, my journey to finding my life partner was threefold:
First, I had to address my pain and anger and find healing so that I could be a complete person and bring the best me to the relationship. There was looking at past relationships and owning my part in allowing myself to be treated in ways that tore me down instead of building me up. There was a lot of forgiveness for me and the men in my life, and finally a place of acceptance and confidence about who I truly was, not who I thought I should be.
Secondly, I had to get very clear on what kind of relationship would actually enhance my life. I’m not talking about a list of qualities in the man, but what the relationship itself would look like. For me, this involved adventurous eating, deep philosophical conversation on a daily basis, an openness to raising our children outside of the mainstream, and an unyielding sense of support for both of us to go after our dreams.
The third factor on this journey was getting out there, taking risks, and being willing to do things differently. The way I had been doing things had not led me to my soul mate, so it was time for something new. I had a date with an Alaskan fisherman who had come to NYC in pursuit of a wife. I began writing letters with a guy in Wyoming who was feeling ready for marriage. I went off to LA to look up past boyfriends to see if one of them could be “the one”.
All this time, I’m working with the man who eventually became my husband. We were part of the same social crowd, so would be at the same bar after work and go to some events with the same group. One day, a bunch of us were at the beach, and my now husband reached out and touched my belly button! It was like electric sparks all over my body. I was totally taken aback.
The next day, I told a friend what had happened, and this friend suggested that I go out with Rodolfo. I responded with, “I can’t date Rodolfo! We are really good friends and we always have a good time and he really supports me and we both encourage each other to go after our dreams…” at which point my friend interrupted and said (profanity warning), “So, are you looking for the asshole who treats you like shit?”
I went straight home and called Rodolfo and asked him out. By the end of our first date, it was clear that we would probably get married. He fit in remarkably to the vision I had of an ideal relationship. We immediately became the most important person in eachothers’ lives. We dated for about a year, lived together for about a year, were engaged for about a year, then got married, moved to NC, bought a house and had a baby all within one year! Whew!
 It is love. People often ask us how we do it, how we can be so happy together. The main thing is that we realize that having a fulfilling relationship is not all sunshine and roses. It’s having tough conversations, saying things that you don’t want to say, facing aspects about yourself you wished you never had to face. It’s about being authentic, honest, open, willing to make mistakes, willing to put the work in, and willing to let someone love you and see the beauty inside of you.
Jessica Sabatini
The360Woman.com
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